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Secretary-General of the model UN: Before we go, this phone was found in the bathroom -- it's a pink RAZR... It says 'Stud muffin' on it.

--United Nations

Girl #1: That Zodiac movie looks pretty good...
Girl #2: Of course! It has Jake Gyllenhaal in it. Everything he touches turns to gold.
Girl #1: Oh, I know!
Girl #2: Mmm, I'd like him to touch me.
Girl #1: But it would be so uncomfortable to be all gold down there.
Girl #2: [Silence.]
Girl #1: What?
Girl #2: God, you're stupid

Lady #1: Oooh... These cups are so cute!
Lady #2: Did you notice they have them set out on the drive-through window? Very smart. All the husbands who forgot to buy presents for their wives will be bringing home Starbucks mugs today.
Lady #1: After 21 years of marriage, I buy my own gifts.

Conductor: This is West Fourth Street. Transfer is available to the A, C, E, F, and V trains.
Four-year-old girl: Mommy, he doesn't sing his ABCs right.
Mom: That's because he didn't go to college.

Girl: So, are you taking the garbage truck back home?
Boy: For the last time -- Staten Islanders do not use garbage trucks for transportation!

Fat lady on escalator: He used to be a good-looking guy 'til he lost all his teeth. Now he's like Skeletor with death-breath.

Frat boys in truck: Wooo! Where the ladies at?!
Queer couple, walking arm-in-arm: Right heeere!

Customer: But I just gave you 10 dollars.
Male barista: No, I gave you 10 dollars, which was a mistake.
Customer: Wait. Wait. No, you gave me twenty.
Male barista: Can I have it back?
Customer: No! It's my change!
Male barista: But you just gave me 10 dollars!

The customer, he is smart.